Just so you know

   Just so you know, if you are reading this, it is not for attention. I just need a place to let my thoughts out. Yes, I am ready to die, soon. No I have not done any dope, and I have my meds. I also have a failsafe device to get the job done when the time is here. So fuck you, you all got scammed by the con yet again.

Another Day....

   Well, I survived one more day. In fact, I scored enough cash to live for maybe 2 to 3 more. I should really just end it now, because I know in 2 or 3 days, I will have to take that handful of pills. But I can't do it just yet. Not when I have some hope of, I don't know. I have no hope really. This is it. I don't know. I'm growing bored with this.

Prison

   I am on death row. I really am. I am sitting in my little cell, knowing what has to happen. I know it's coming, in just a day or two, when I run out of time and money. I am almost okay with it. I guess you could call it, "Prolonging the inevitable", I just can't do it if I still have a little time to "Enjoy". None of it is enjoyable. Guilt, shame, the pain... The pain will be gone soon. This blog is where I write what happens in the end. I get that chance. At least someone will know what was going through my head at the end. I only wish that this was for drama, or attention. Then I would know there was a way out. But this is real. This is it. Who's attention would I even be seeking right now? There is no one who wants to find me, except maybe the cops. Bring it, I have a little surprise for them too.

I can't stop

   Oh God, I know I did wrong. I know I fucked up. I could have had it all. I could have been good. Who am I kidding? I have never been good. I have never been "Normal". I need to suck it up and accept who I am, and move on. I'm fucked, I know that. I can't just shut it off like I used to. I used to be able to pull this shit and just forget about it. On to the next scam. Was that how this started? Was I conning my wife and her family the whole time? Maybe it did start out that way. Maybe I thought, "I hit the jackpot, I can have it all." That worked for awhile. I played it relatively straight. I worked at the same job for over 2 years. That may not seem like much to you, but to me it was huge. I had never done that. I was happy. For awhile, I was happy. I loved my wife, she is the perfect woman. She let me get away with so much... So trusting. She wanted to believe I could do good. She thought I was doing good. But the whole time I was just trying to figure out how to get out of the mess I was in.
   See, I quit heroin. Okay. Great. But I never quit being an addict. I never quit the insane thinking. The first couple weeks were okay. I sat at home and played computer games. I didn't try to get a job right away. One step at a time. But the thinking was there. I would sneak a little weed here and there, but that's it. In fact, I really didn't think of dope. Except earlier this week. I tried to kill myself before I did what I did today. What my crazy mind told me I had to do. I got 4 percocet 30's, 120 milligrams total. I stopped taking my suboxone for 2 days, then I shot them all up at once. I thought it would kill me, since I had been "clean" for 4 months. It didn't kill me. It didn't even get me high. What a fucking waste. The Suboxone must be really built up in my system, blocking opiates from my brain. So I didn't die. And now here I am, wishing I were dead, crying, my head hurts because I don't know what to do.
   So I had stopped. But I started gambling a bit. Go to the track, spend 60 bucks. Again the next day, and again. I would sneak away at night under the guise of going to the store or whatever, stopping at the track for a few bets. Never really won anything. So pointless. Scratch tickets and Keno in Mass. Stupid. And the fucked up part is, I thought I was doing a good thing for me and my wife. If I could just hit the big one, I could get the guitar back, and we could move on. The guitar among other things.
   I never really grew up I guess. I just got stuck. I have no idea how to live in the real world. I never have. It's always been jail, or drugs, or whatever. But I have never had to fucking grow up and be a man. Do the right thing. I had so many chances. I wish I could. I wish I could go back to prison and go into a looong term program and start from scratch. But I am impatient, and I just can't see myself doing it. I can't see myself living the normal life. I want to. I want to be with my cakesy and be happy and work hard and move FORWARD. I will never move forward.
   So I am off to a place I have never been, going off to die. I am going to die alone, ashamed, in hell.

Shit No, No, Shit!!!!

   Well, that's it. I know we had a scare awhile back when I said I was going to kill myself, but this time, it is my only option. I fucked up, hard, again. I am so sick of this. It used to be, "Another chapter in my book." Well the book is getting redundant. It's time for the book to end. No matter what I do, It always comes back to this. I only had one way out you see. At least in my mind I only had one way out. Now I am so guilt ridden and ashamed and panicked and scared... It wasn't worth it in the first place. Cakes, if you read this, watch the videos on my phone. I know there is no excuse, I just wanted you to see that I am insane. I love you so much, I really do. All you ever did was try to help me, and I just keep on hurting. After all, that's what I do best. So, I am ready to die, and cause no more pain. I just can't do it anymore.
   Being alone shouldn't be a problem. No one is going to take me back, be my friend, my wife, my parents... I am alone. I did this to myself, and I had no idea I was doing it. "It'll take care of itself later." Somehow that's how my mind works. Even when I KNOW that I am being dishonest, and hate myself for it, I still lie. I still steal. I never cheated on my wife, because I do love her. It's really impossible to explain. How I can love someone so much and then turn around and stick a knife in her back. (Not literally, I didn't do that.) I can't stop thinking of her, my wife, my Cakes, the love of my life. Laying there in bed, crying, alone. I am balling as I write this, and I don't care. I don't want her to be there alone. Thinking, "What am I gonna do?" Oh God, what have I done? Please keep going honey, don't let me stop you. You are such a good person, and I am so bad. I didn't do dope again, proud of me? Jesus, what the fuck does it matter?
    To my parents, I am sorry. I never intended on paying you back. I mean I did, I tried to work hard at the business, but I had already fucked myself. I don't know how I was going to fix everything. Too much pressure. I am so sorry.
   To my in laws. We had our differances, but you loved me. When no one else did, you did. You took me in and saved me and I did nothing but hurt you too. It was okay for a couple years, then I lost myself. I don't know who I am. I know who I wanted to be. If I spent half of the time working as I did pretending, I would be very successful. But again, I had already fucked up. And you wouldn't have kept me anyway. So why not fuck myself even more? You gave me everything, and I took everything. I wish I could explain why, but it's too complicated, and it is truely insanity.
   I am going to try and forget. I am going to try and bury the pain. I am going to numb myself and then it's over. Lights out. Do I believe in God? No. So I hope to hell that I am right, or that's where I am going. I hope that it is just Poof! That's that. I am very afraid of it. One last hurrah. I guess I will have to try to survive for as long as I can, but I don't see it being that long. I am just happy that the pain will be gone soon. So much pain. I can't do prison again, alone, no letters, no money, I just can't, and I won't. Maybe that's how I will go. Let the cops take me out.
   Kayla, your ring and my phone are in your glove box. If it means anything to you, watch the videos in my phone. I tried to explain, though it's next to impossible to explain the events that lead up to this moment. I love you, please don't be sad. Your Bunsy is okay, just going to sleep. Oh God, no. I don't want to do this. I don't. It's too late. Oh God, shit. I... I'm having a panic attack. Shit.Goodbye my love, forever. Tell the puppies I love them.
   So goodbye everyone. Cakes, I wish I was coming home to watch the Office and snuggle. I wish we were going on vacation. I wish you had never met me. I wish you never heard the name Seamus. I understand if you feel the name. Goodbye everyone, it's been real.

I'm Back, and Back On Track

   Hey everyone, I wanted to apologize for my recent bad day. It was very bad, and my bi-polar head got the best of me. To all of you who were concerned, I appreciate it. To all of you who thought it was a joke or I was looking for pity, fuck you. I have a mental illness, and sometimes it gets bad. You can take your sympathy and stick it. I don't know why I start these with, "Hey everyone", I have 9 followers, lol. I would really like to change gears and make it more of an open discussion, for addicts, or loved ones of addicts, things like that. I will still tell my story, but it would be nice to have some input and discussion. After all, that was the point in the first place.
   I was going to do a whole entry, but I am tired, long day of work. I just got some really great merchandise, please come check it out at the new store! https://stores.ebay.com/Vintage-By-Design. Oh, and www.everything-in-between.com will be closing for business. I lost some money on advertising, but they jacked the rates and I don't want to pay. Ebay will be the main store from now on, with a book store and www.youknowwhatreallygrindsmygears.co opening soon. Thanks again, have a great night!

The Crash...

   I was dead inside. I couldn't function. I just wanted to drink the pain away. There had to be a little bit of hope somewhere that I would get her back. She is all I thought about. She's getting fucked right now. No she isn't, she's thinking of me. Where is she? She hates me. She loves me. I drank. I drank and drank and hid in my room and drank some more. I was insane. Literally. I was going to jump off a bridge. That was the thought in my head. I pictured myself on a huge bridge, arms spread wide, wind through my hair... That would make it all better. But there was the hope. That hope that maybe she would take me back.
   One night I went to Brian's to drink and have some fun, though I wasn't very much fun. I was depressed. I was driving Rick's car those days, a little Dodge Duster. Standard. I remember Brian taking my keys that night. I was having none of it. He and T had gone to bed, and I just wanted to go home, I don't even know why. So I stole back my keys and I drove. I drove down 108 towards Newmarket from Dover. I was really drunk. It was becoming harder to keep my eyes open every minute. I'm awake. I'm good. I'.... Slam... Screeeeech.... Swerve..... Back on the road. I'm good.
   What I hadn't realized at the time, is that I had drifted off the road and hit a guard rail, riding it for about 25 feet. Rick was not going to be happy. When I got home, I went around to check the damage. Just a whole bunch of paint gone, and the door was dented and wouldn't open, but it will be fine. I told Rick immediately and he was indeed pissed off. I just laughed and said that the car was a piece of shit anyway.
   The next day he and I drove down 108 to Dover. Back out for more drinking. Who cares? Our apartment was not going to last, we didn't pay rent. We were just waiting for the cops to come evict us. We had a good 30-40 days though, so life was good. We saw the guard rail, red paint and all. Funny thing was, there is only that 30 foot piece of guard rail in like 10 miles of road. If I had drifted off anywhere else, I would have been in the woods. Lucky me. Little did Rick or I know that it wasn't the worse thing that I would do to his car. Oh no, the worst was yet to come...