Well, that's it. I know we had a scare awhile back when I said I was going to kill myself, but this time, it is my only option. I fucked up, hard, again. I am so sick of this. It used to be, "Another chapter in my book." Well the book is getting redundant. It's time for the book to end. No matter what I do, It always comes back to this. I only had one way out you see. At least in my mind I only had one way out. Now I am so guilt ridden and ashamed and panicked and scared... It wasn't worth it in the first place. Cakes, if you read this, watch the videos on my phone. I know there is no excuse, I just wanted you to see that I am insane. I love you so much, I really do. All you ever did was try to help me, and I just keep on hurting. After all, that's what I do best. So, I am ready to die, and cause no more pain. I just can't do it anymore.
Being alone shouldn't be a problem. No one is going to take me back, be my friend, my wife, my parents... I am alone. I did this to myself, and I had no idea I was doing it. "It'll take care of itself later." Somehow that's how my mind works. Even when I KNOW that I am being dishonest, and hate myself for it, I still lie. I still steal. I never cheated on my wife, because I do love her. It's really impossible to explain. How I can love someone so much and then turn around and stick a knife in her back. (Not literally, I didn't do that.) I can't stop thinking of her, my wife, my Cakes, the love of my life. Laying there in bed, crying, alone. I am balling as I write this, and I don't care. I don't want her to be there alone. Thinking, "What am I gonna do?" Oh God, what have I done? Please keep going honey, don't let me stop you. You are such a good person, and I am so bad. I didn't do dope again, proud of me? Jesus, what the fuck does it matter?
To my parents, I am sorry. I never intended on paying you back. I mean I did, I tried to work hard at the business, but I had already fucked myself. I don't know how I was going to fix everything. Too much pressure. I am so sorry.
To my in laws. We had our differances, but you loved me. When no one else did, you did. You took me in and saved me and I did nothing but hurt you too. It was okay for a couple years, then I lost myself. I don't know who I am. I know who I wanted to be. If I spent half of the time working as I did pretending, I would be very successful. But again, I had already fucked up. And you wouldn't have kept me anyway. So why not fuck myself even more? You gave me everything, and I took everything. I wish I could explain why, but it's too complicated, and it is truely insanity.
I am going to try and forget. I am going to try and bury the pain. I am going to numb myself and then it's over. Lights out. Do I believe in God? No. So I hope to hell that I am right, or that's where I am going. I hope that it is just Poof! That's that. I am very afraid of it. One last hurrah. I guess I will have to try to survive for as long as I can, but I don't see it being that long. I am just happy that the pain will be gone soon. So much pain. I can't do prison again, alone, no letters, no money, I just can't, and I won't. Maybe that's how I will go. Let the cops take me out.
Kayla, your ring and my phone are in your glove box. If it means anything to you, watch the videos in my phone. I tried to explain, though it's next to impossible to explain the events that lead up to this moment. I love you, please don't be sad. Your Bunsy is okay, just going to sleep. Oh God, no. I don't want to do this. I don't. It's too late. Oh God, shit. I... I'm having a panic attack. Shit.Goodbye my love, forever. Tell the puppies I love them.
So goodbye everyone. Cakes, I wish I was coming home to watch the Office and snuggle. I wish we were going on vacation. I wish you had never met me. I wish you never heard the name Seamus. I understand if you feel the name. Goodbye everyone, it's been real.
No comments:
Post a Comment