Oh God, I know I did wrong. I know I fucked up. I could have had it all. I could have been good. Who am I kidding? I have never been good. I have never been "Normal". I need to suck it up and accept who I am, and move on. I'm fucked, I know that. I can't just shut it off like I used to. I used to be able to pull this shit and just forget about it. On to the next scam. Was that how this started? Was I conning my wife and her family the whole time? Maybe it did start out that way. Maybe I thought, "I hit the jackpot, I can have it all." That worked for awhile. I played it relatively straight. I worked at the same job for over 2 years. That may not seem like much to you, but to me it was huge. I had never done that. I was happy. For awhile, I was happy. I loved my wife, she is the perfect woman. She let me get away with so much... So trusting. She wanted to believe I could do good. She thought I was doing good. But the whole time I was just trying to figure out how to get out of the mess I was in.
See, I quit heroin. Okay. Great. But I never quit being an addict. I never quit the insane thinking. The first couple weeks were okay. I sat at home and played computer games. I didn't try to get a job right away. One step at a time. But the thinking was there. I would sneak a little weed here and there, but that's it. In fact, I really didn't think of dope. Except earlier this week. I tried to kill myself before I did what I did today. What my crazy mind told me I had to do. I got 4 percocet 30's, 120 milligrams total. I stopped taking my suboxone for 2 days, then I shot them all up at once. I thought it would kill me, since I had been "clean" for 4 months. It didn't kill me. It didn't even get me high. What a fucking waste. The Suboxone must be really built up in my system, blocking opiates from my brain. So I didn't die. And now here I am, wishing I were dead, crying, my head hurts because I don't know what to do.
So I had stopped. But I started gambling a bit. Go to the track, spend 60 bucks. Again the next day, and again. I would sneak away at night under the guise of going to the store or whatever, stopping at the track for a few bets. Never really won anything. So pointless. Scratch tickets and Keno in Mass. Stupid. And the fucked up part is, I thought I was doing a good thing for me and my wife. If I could just hit the big one, I could get the guitar back, and we could move on. The guitar among other things.
I never really grew up I guess. I just got stuck. I have no idea how to live in the real world. I never have. It's always been jail, or drugs, or whatever. But I have never had to fucking grow up and be a man. Do the right thing. I had so many chances. I wish I could. I wish I could go back to prison and go into a looong term program and start from scratch. But I am impatient, and I just can't see myself doing it. I can't see myself living the normal life. I want to. I want to be with my cakesy and be happy and work hard and move FORWARD. I will never move forward.
So I am off to a place I have never been, going off to die. I am going to die alone, ashamed, in hell.
Hey glad you are still with us...you need to talk to someone. I was talking with our cousin Shawn (or is it Sean - no it's Shawn) - I think you should talk to him. Hope is always a good thing, hang on to it. Go talk to your Mom and Dad, trust me they are so loving and much more understandable than you give them credit or believe. Find someone to talk to, and keep doing the blog - it will do you good to put it in writing. Hugs and love, your cousin, Chris
ReplyDelete