Friday, April 8, 2011
Prison
I am on death row. I really am. I am sitting in my little cell, knowing what has to happen. I know it's coming, in just a day or two, when I run out of time and money. I am almost okay with it. I guess you could call it, "Prolonging the inevitable", I just can't do it if I still have a little time to "Enjoy". None of it is enjoyable. Guilt, shame, the pain... The pain will be gone soon. This blog is where I write what happens in the end. I get that chance. At least someone will know what was going through my head at the end. I only wish that this was for drama, or attention. Then I would know there was a way out. But this is real. This is it. Who's attention would I even be seeking right now? There is no one who wants to find me, except maybe the cops. Bring it, I have a little surprise for them too.
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I know how you feel man. I'm an alcoholic. I have an addiction, illness, and negative mind set. Gotta stop looking at the bad, and see the good that is out there. Grab on to it and use that. I know it's few and far between. but fake it until you make it. -Kiel
ReplyDeleteThis is Mama Zag. I love you Please let me help
ReplyDeleteMama Zag again. PLEASE HEAR THIS, I LOVE YOU, I WILL HELP YOU. PLEASE CALL ME.
ReplyDeleteMy hear is breaking for how tortured you are. Your diseases are controlling you, you need treatment for the bipolar disease because it is driving your addiction, and the addictions are feeding your bipolar, you can not get out of the visious cycle the chemical imbalance in your brain is putting your through. I LOVE YOU, PLEASE get help.
Nothing you have taken, nothing you have said, is more important then your life, sanity, and health. NOTHING matters but you and your safety. Nothing you can do will force me to stop loving you and missing you that is what a mom does. I will drive anywhere to get you and get you to help. We can not provide that help, but I will get you someplace that will.
Regardless of what happens with you and Kayla, you are my family, ALWAYS. Kayla loves you, she tells me every night she loves you and misses you, but her heart has shriveled and her trust is gone. SHe is too young and incabable of helping you. Her love is not enough to save you, only you can save yourself.
PLEASE beleive me, you will have to walk through pain, shame, guilt, and disappointment to get well, BUT I PROMISE YOU, the life on the other side of all that work, and pain will be worth it. YOu are so miserable, can't you please place your faith in me and trust me that life on the other side when you have gotten treatment and your brain is in the right chemical balance, happiness does exist for you.
GOD, honey, Please reach out. Please
Just so you know, your Mama Zag, who continues to be more loving than you deserve, has been crying her eyes out over her lost silver. It was the last heirloom she had from her mother, and you MADE A CHOICE to steal it and sell it to feed your addiction. Sure, by the time you had sunk that far, you were no longer in control. But you made a clear and sober choice to head back down that path again, in spite of the pain you knew it would cause.
ReplyDeleteDon't give me this bullshit that the addiction controls you. You had it under control, but YOU CHOSE to stop going to meetings, and YOU CHOSE to let it possess you again. You get something out of it that you recognize even when you are clear and sober, because you were, and still you chose to head back down that path.
Before you try to manipulate your mother-in-law again, let me make it clear to you the level of pain you are ready and willing to cause others. I have made it clear to her that she can go so far as to pick you up somewhere and drive you to some place where you can check in and get the help you need. If she goes beyond that, if she gives you anything more than a sandwich and a ride, she'll be looking for a divorce lawyer. You know the level of pain THAT will cause her, me, and your wife and brother-in-law. Maybe even you, even in your addiction-controlled state, are not willing to cause that much pain.
It sickens me the amount you've already caused, after we pulled you out of the gutter once. You chose to step back into it, a clear and sober decision. Now you have another choice whether or not you want to increase the pain you've caused people who love to an entirely new level. I have no doubt that, through your emotional blackmail and your ability to manipulate people, you ultimately could convince your mother-in-law to give you one more chance, a little money, a little something. Before you decide to go there, decide if it's worth it. Decide if getting one more fix is really worth staining your soul that much more, by causing that much more pain to someone who cares about you.
It's time for you to grow the fuck up, decide that you really need help, get the help, and don't stop getting it, EVER. You've pissed away the chance to be in our lives, but just maybe you can decide it is worth some effort -- long-term, unending effort -- to find something better than this horrid life you have now, that claim you hate so much.
I truly wish you the best. I hope you can get help, grow up, and become a real adult, one who can decide that the future misery and guilt really is not worth the temporary and ephemeral pleasure of the moment. I understand all about how your addictions force you to do things, that they take over your brain. I understand that it is hard to think this way when your addiction is eating at you.
Tough shit. Grow up.
No one is expecting you to do it all yourself, but have the brains to understand that where you are now sucks, and you need some help to get out of it. Then you will need that same help forever and ever, to stay out of it.
If you ever get yourself cleaned up again, then keep reading this blog, over and over, until you learn that taking that one step down the path again isn't worth it. No, you can't manage just a little. Just a little will lead to a little more, which will put you right back where you are now. Every time you're tempted, reread the blog, go to a meeting, and think about how miserable this shit makes you.
... but first take the step to get cleaned up. Only you can decide to do it. Only you can decide that the life you have now is horrible. Don't post the whiny bullshit about killing yourself. That's the coward's way out. I think many bad things about you right now, but I've never thought you were a coward.
ReplyDeleteGetting clean and staying clean is hard fucking work. No one denies that. Is it really harder than living this miserable life you have in front of you? Have the balls to start, to get help, and then have the balls and the brains to stick to it, without wavering.
I imagine that those posts might have made you angry. If you're angry at me, it doesn't really bother me all that much, but you should understand its a sign of immaturity if you are.
ReplyDeleteIf you are angry at yourself, well, that's a step up, but it is still not quite the right place to direct your anger.
Be angry at your addictions. Be royally fucking pissed off at them. You didn't ask for them, but you are as stuck with them as Mama Zag is with the disease that puts her in a wheelchair.
Are you there yet? Start over at the top if you are not.
OK. Now that you are angry at your addictions, decide to direct that anger usefully. Stop feeding them. Get some help to put them in a box and nail it shut. You'll never be rid of them, but you can, with a whole lot of effort, contain them and stop letting the addictions decide how crappy your life should be.
Decide you don't want this life. Get the help.