I have been contemplating giving up on this blog for a few days now. I mean, who really gives a shit about my dumb stories? I need to remember that this is for me, and not you. Well, not completely you. I do like it when you guys email me, saying things like, "Remember when blah-blah-blah... Is that going to make your blog?" I enjoy that. I just keep thinking that it's going to take a loooong time to catch up to where I am now in my life. Every post won't be interesting. People don't care. This is me defeating myself. It's what I do. But fuck that. I am going to keep in mind that I am piecing together myself. Because I honestly have no idea who I am. I really don't. I was driving in my car earlier, and I found myself talking to myself. I was saying, "Who are you Seamus. Seamus. It sounds weird and foreign when I say it. I was happy once. I was wacky and random and fun and hyper and I loved to talk to people and make them laugh or smile. In high school, you used to have your morning rounds, visiting people in their classes and saying good morning. Where did he go? I am on autopilot." I was actually saying these things aloud. I must be going nuts.
How could I be so lucky? We were happy for about a week. I found that Kelli was a little jealous. She would get mad if I was talking to a girl at a party, or at the bar. She got mad when I would go out. She got mad when I would stay in. I don't know why, but I became jealous too, which I am usually not. I would wonder where she was when she would go out with out me. All her friends were guys. We drank alot. We partied and smoked weed, so we were around other drunk people a lot, and that's a dangerous place to be for monogomy. But I wasn't cheating on her, and she wasn't cheating on me. I was still on probation, but was getting off soon. I was rolling the dice everytime I chose to get wasted.
We fought alot. I can't even remember why. When I was mostly sober back then, I didn't know about this disease, and had no idea why I would do things. I am bi-polar, and it is not easy to control. Now that I am sober and educated, a bit more self-aware, I can manage it better. I am sure that my craziness had something to do with it. It was definitely a co-dependent relationship. We fought, but when things were good, which was hardly ever, we were great together. We were still two kids driving to the beach smiling and laughing.
Our fights weren't just little arguments like the ones I sometimes have with my wife. She is amazing, and we are very good at fighting. We get mad for oh, about 5 minutes, then we just drop it. Change the subject and move on. Another reason why I married her. Love you Cakes. But Kelli, oh man, we would be at each others necks. We both were stubborn, and we both just had to be right. Most nights, I would end up packing all her shit, throwing it out on the porch, throwing her out, and locking the door. She would gather her things, pack up the truck, and either sleep in it in the parking lot, or at the park and ride. She would then come back for some reason or another, and I would tell her that I didn't want her to sleep in the park and ride where any weirdo could come get her. Reluctantly, she would come back in and stay on the couch. Eventuelly we would end up in bed, and we would be okay til the next one.
Our friend Rick came over all the time, a tall, lanky, kind of nerdy guy that worked at the Bee's with us. He was a good kid, and he would have killed to have been with a girl like Kelli. He was harmless though, I never worried about him trying anything with her. Well, except one night when I was feeling particularly crazy, I accused he of being slutty, because she was prancing around the house with tiny little shorts on that showed off her ass crease. You know, right under the cheeks, she had a great ass crease. There was no reason for me to do that, but like I said, I hardly knew what I was doing or feeling.
We drank together all the time, and one night even made a name for ourselves, Murphillips. Rick's last name was the same as mine. Rick didn't really have any where to go, his parents were moving and basically said your on your own. We all decided to move in together in an apartment we got in Newmarket. This reminds me, I will have to tell the story of Rick's 21st birthday in Boston. I guess it is related to this story, I was seeing Kelli at the time. But we will save that for another day.
That's it for tonight kids. Come back tomorrow for Killing Time.
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